


love me softly

by nomadicdeer (someonestolemycoffee)



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: M/M, Massaging, Mentions of Sex, Pre-Epilogue, a proper use of lotion for once, adam is super sweet, brief blue, nonsexual shit?????, post-trk, pynch - Freeform, ronan is sex-hesitant i guess, super cute, they're actually adorable nerds don't let anyone tell you otherwise, this whole thing is a sex mention actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 10:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7166840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonestolemycoffee/pseuds/nomadicdeer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan tells Adam he doesn't want to have sex yet. Adam has a solution, as per usual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love me softly

**Author's Note:**

> hi i love both of my children very much and they love each other very much

Ronan hugged himself tightly as he sat on the bed. He couldn’t believe he’d done that. It had been almost a full day since Adam asked if he could touch Ronan, and he’d turned it down. He hadn’t even stopped to think about it after he had left because Opal was throwing a shit fit and then he had to take care of her, and he didn’t sleep all night because he was too nervous about putting her in danger but she didn’t sleep either so what did it matter? He had just dropped Opal off at 300 Fox Way for the night so he could sleep, but he didn’t want to sleep.

Adam didn’t seem mad. He had stopped kissing Ronan and asked if he would be okay with taking off his pants, asked if Adam could touch him, and he had turned him down outright. Adam just nodded and kept kissing him. Ronan felt bad, but he knew it would lead to sex and he didn’t want that.

It had only been a couple weeks since they had kissed for the first time, and he didn’t want this to be another Kavinsky.

No, he knew it wouldn’t be another Kavinsky. Because Adam cared about him, and Adam kissed him. Kavinsky never kissed him, just told him to get on his knees. Kavinsky never gave him sweet words and loving gestures. Kavinsky was nothing like Adam and Ronan felt bad about the comparison. But he refused to be nothing but a disposable fuck toy again.

One could call him bitter.

He knew with every fiber of his being that Adam wasn’t like that.

Still, he didn’t want to have sex with Adam. Not yet.

His objection was not to Adam touching him, it was to leading him on. Making him think that Ronan would have sex with him, even though he wouldn’t. He was okay with it, so long as it didn’t progress too far. Just, not like that. Not the way he wanted to.

And Adam was supposed to come over today.

Ronan hugged himself tighter. He would be there any minute in his shitty car with his perfect smile and his messy hair and his cute freckles and his gorgeous hands. Ronan felt like he was going to explode with worry. Would Adam break up with him? Would he hate him?

He heard the crunch of gravel outside. The time to worry was over.

There were red marks from his fingers over his biceps and he willed them away, but there they stayed. He went downstairs to open the door, greeted by Adam, smiling and holding a brown paper bag. A month ago, Ronan would have assumed it was a severed baby hand. Now, he knew it was ice cream.

Ronan closed the door behind them and Adam kissed him lightly before vanishing into the kitchen to take out the desserts. Ronan followed, seeing three styrofoam containers: one with an “A,” one with an “R,” and one with an “O” in black marker. He put them away in the freezer for later. Ice cream was one of the only human-like foods Opal would eat.

Ronan sat on the counter and waited until he closed the freezer to hold his hand out. Adam took it and was pulled forward into another kiss, having to lean up a little to reach his mouth. He felt anxiety rise in his chest as Adam’s hand slipped under the hem of his shirt, held him by the waist, pulled him closer. Still, Ronan didn’t stop him.

He tried to rationalize. They had done this before, and Adam had touched him like this before, so many times, and Ronan liked it. But now, he knew what Adam wanted, and he knew what it could lead to, and he didn’t want to say no again because he didn’t want Adam to think that he didn’t want him.

Adam pulled away, lifting his hands from Ronan’s body. Ronan felt himself lean forward to chase the kiss, opening his eyes. His boyfriend stood before him with a concerned furrow of his brow, frowning. He didn’t know what was wrong until Adam lifted his hand and wiped hot tears from his cheeks with a calloused thumb. Ronan stopped him, scrubbing them away himself.

“Ronan, are you okay?” he asked. Ronan nodded, and he kept nodding until he realized he had been for far too long. He stopped himself and looked down to his own knees. Adam pressed a finger to his chin, gently tilting it upwards, and Ronan finally looked him in the eyes, blue meeting blue and love meeting love.

Ronan set his jaw at Adam’s concerned look. “I’m fine, Parrish.”

“You don’t look fine,” he countered, cupping his face with both hands and swiping away more tears.

“Well, I am,” he said, jumping off the counter and going to the living room. He was about to continue on to the front door, but Adam was faster and stood in front of him.

“Ronan. Did I do something? It is something I can fix? Can I help you at all? Because something’s clearly upset you.”

“Fuck, no, it’s not,” he said, though the usual venom was missing. He tried to step around him but Adam stepped with him.

“Love, please. You know you can tell me, right?”

Ronan rolled his eyes, knowing tears were still running down his face. He hated the feeling of it behind his eyes, the tautness of his skin. “I can’t, because you’ll hate me and break up with me.”

Adam just looked more concerned at that. Ronan cursed himself for saying that. Adam took a half-step back. “If you want to break up, you can just tell me. You don’t have to draw it out and make it painful.”

“No, I don’t want to break up. I want us to not have to be so difficult, but here I am, making it difficult.”

Adam put a hand on his back and guided him towards the couch. He sat down reluctantly, wanting nothing more than to run out now, but he didn’t want to spend a second of his life away from Adam if he could help it. Even if it was painful, he wanted to spend a few more seconds with him. Because it was either he get broken up with now or he leaves and gets a text from Gansey’s phone that it was Adam, and they were over.

_You’re being stupid. He wouldn’t do that. You’re confusing him with the one who would._

As soon as he sat down, Ronan couldn’t stop the tears. He didn’t sob or wail dramatically, but there were more tears and his erratic breathing. Adam held out a hand, offering it, and Ronan took it. Adam’s thumb ran across his knuckles.

“You can tell me, but you don’t have to. I’d like to help, though.”

Adam’s eyes were soft as Ronan looked up, his smile careful, and he wondered how he managed to get so lucky. He looked back down, at their fingers folded together. He pulled his eyes away, but he couldn’t look at Adam. He stared at the floor instead. Adam’s ankle was around his, their knees touching.

“I don’t know how you could fix this. It’s my problem.”

The gears were already turning in Adam’s head.

Ronan took a deep breath. He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again, and the tears still flowed. He considered just keeping it all in, but Adam would eventually crack his patient streak and get frustrated with him. Anyone would. And maybe they could break it off peacefully if Ronan gave in.

“I uh, I don’t want to lead you on or anything…” He finally looked up. In the silence, Adam looked to him, encouraging him to go on. His breathing wracked and he swallowed hard. “I don’t want you to be disappointed and I-I don’t know, just. If you break up with me now it’ll be a lot easier.”

“Ronan,” Adam said softly, free hand on his cheek and the other squeezing his hand tighter. “Ronan, what are you going on about?”

He grit his teeth. “Fuck. I don’t… I don’t want to have sex with you. Not yet.”

“Ronan—“

“I get it. You want to have sex. And I do too, but not now.”

“Ronan—“

“I’m sorry—“

“Ronan. Let me talk,” Adam insisted, making Ronan look up at him. A second later, he leaned forward and kissed him softly, making Ronan melt into him. He pulled away and held his gaze carefully. He took Ronan’s other gaze and held their hands together, holding on like he never wanted to let go.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He didn’t say anything else.

“Don’t be. Thank you for telling me. But you won’t get rid of me that quickly.” He quirked a smile, contagious. Ronan smiled back, but it vanished as quickly as it had appeared. “I do want to have sex with you, but only if you want to. It’s okay if you’re not ready. I’m not going to force you into anything.”

This time, Ronan did let out a sob. “Thank you,” he nodded. “Thank you.”

“Ah, love, don’t cry,” Adam laughed, as if he had a reason to be nervous. “I’m sorry if I ever pressured you.”

Ronan took a deep breath and the tears had finally begun to subside. “What if we don’t have sex for a long time?” he asked.

Adam smiled. “When you’re ready. No matter how long that is, we won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“And what if it’s seventy years later and we still haven’t had sex?”

“Then I thank god every day for those seventy years.” Ronan let out a laugh and made a face. “What?”

Ronan said, “I don’t know if I would even want to have sex when we’re almost ninety years old. Imagine that, it’d be like putting your penis in mushy old fruit.”

“Ew!” Adam pushed his shoulder and wrinkled his nose.

Adam made to lay down and Ronan lay on top of him, touching their noses together and kissing him swiftly before setting his head down over Adam’s heart. His fingers traced the thick lines of Ronan’s tattoo, just like he always did.

“You know, it’s okay if you’re asexual,” Adam mentioned. “I would never love you any less. Not that you need me to validate you.”

“I’m not,” he replied, lazily glancing up a him. He decided it was time for honesty. “I uh, don’t want this to be like my last relationship.”

Adam seemed uneasy. “Kavinsky,” he guessed

“Yeah. Kavinsky.” He sighed and snuggled closer into Adam’s chest. “It was unhealthy, to say the least. I was a play thing to him. And I know you’re not him, and it wouldn’t be that way with you, but… I don’t know. I guess it made me uncomfortable with the prospect of sex. I’m okay with a lot of shit, but not that. Not right now.

“It’s weird to think about it. It wasn’t real. We weren’t established. He didn’t give a shit. Everything we did was hateful. And I’m just hesitant.”

Adam ran his fingers up and down the knobs of his spine. “You know I’ll never do anything without asking, right?”

Ronan nodded against him. He was about to respond when his phone went off in his back pocket. He took it out and handed it to Adam to answer when he saw Gansey’s contact.

He could hear the whole conversation from their close proximity.

“Hey, it’s Adam,” he said.

“I figured. Wanna go to Nino’s? Henry and Blue are already there.”

Ronan looked at the digital clock on the cable box. It was already five. He nodded and Adam confirmed. They hung up and Ronan rolled off him so they could get ready to leave.

————

“I think there is something I could do,” Adam mentioned as they pulled into the Barns the next morning. Ronan was reclined in the passenger seat as Adam killed the ignition.

“Hm? About the ant thing at Monmouth?” Ronan asked, recalling a piece of conversation from dinner the night before. He got out of the car at the same time as Adam did. Ronan had come to pick him up in the BMW and Adam drove them back.

“No. About the sex thing,” he said as they walked up to the front door.

“Fuck. Adam, really? If you aren’t okay with not having sex, we shouldn’t be together. Bottom fucking line, not now,” he said, unlocking the door but leaving it unopened. He turned on the porch to face him.

“No, not that. I have an idea.”

Ronan opened the door and left it open for him, walking upstairs so Adam had to close it. He followed him up and found the bedroom door left open; he could come in. Adam still knocked.

“Asshole, just come here,” Ronan muttered. Adam closed the door behind him and lay down in the space left for him beside a sprawled-out Ronan.

Silence passed between them for too long a time.

“What is your idea?” Ronan asked, staring up at the ceiling.

Adam smiled, relieved. “Is your objection to sexual touches or touch in general?”

“No, I cuddled with you until you had to go last night because I want you to stay five million miles away from me,” Ronan rolled his eyes. “Just sexual stuff, I guess.”

“I have a proposal.” Adam lay on his side to face him. Ronan just looked to the side to watch him. “Even if it’s not inherently sexual, there are ways to feel good. I want that for you.” Ronan seemed skeptical. Adam reached forward and placed a hand over Ronan’s. “You deserve to feel good. I want to be able to love your body in a way you’re comfortable with.”

Ronan considered. “And what would we do?”

“You get undressed to your comfort, lay on your front, and I’ll touch you wherever you’ll allow me to. You can stop me whenever you’d like and there will be no hard feelings. I’ll ask before doing things I’m not sure you’ll be fine with.”

Ronan hummed. “And what about you?”

Adam raised a pointed eyebrow. “This is in no way about me.”

Ronan turned his body to face him. “Did you know you’re incredibly frustrating?”

Adam searched for an answer. “We don’t have to, I mean… It was just a thought.”

“Not about that,” Ronan rolled his eyes.

“Then why am I frustrating?”

“Because I can’t find a single fucking thing wrong with you, Parrish.” He closed the space between them before either could get in another word. Adam allowed it, melting into the kiss. He pulled away just as quickly and stood, pulling off his shirt. Adam watched him without meaning to, letting a smile creep onto his face.

Ronan’s jeans followed quickly. He kicked them off and returned to the bed, laying face down over the sheets as Adam took off his own shirt, leaving it at that. He took a bottle of lotion from Ronan’s desk and settled by Ronan’s feet.

“Can I touch your feet?” he asked.

“Yeah, but this better not be some fucking fetish shit.”

Adam smiled and shook his head, even though Ronan couldn’t see him. “It’s not, don’t worry.” He took one of his feet and warmed lotion between his hands before rubbing his thumbs into the sole and digging his palm into the heel, massaging well, and moving on to the next one. Ronan made a noise of appreciation, his arms under the pillow he was laying his head on.

“Can I keep going?” Adam asked, gingerly touching the tips of his fingers to Ronan’s achilles’ tendons. His thumbs drifted down to touch the flats on the inside of his ankles.

“Yeah, y’can,” he muttered, face half-buried in the pillow. Adam warmed more lotion and massaged it into the backs of his calves, stopping before he got to his knees. He made red lines as he dragged his fingers tips down the flesh, watching the skin crease and flush. Adam took his time, tracing his fingers over the toned muscle and smooth skin. The edge of a raised scar could be seen from the time Opal kicking him in the shin a little too hard. He ran his fingers over it, knowing it wasn’t from anything tragic.

Ronan hummed into the pillow and Adam felt his muscles tense as he shifted his legs slightly.

He ran his knuckles up further, gracing the backs of his knees, and Ronan made something of a whining noise. Adam pulled his hands back.

“It is okay?”

Ronan nodded and he moved his hands back. He wrapped his fingers around to the fronts of his knees, rubbing his thumb into the backs in soft circles. Ronan made another small noise, similar to the last one, and Adam figured at this point that it was pleasure, not opposition. He placed small, hesitant kissed along his shins, up to his knees, and heard Ronan’s glad little whimper in return.

He was vulnerable here. Adam felt a bit weird thinking it, how he liked having Ronan like this, liked having him open and liked making him feel good, regardless of whether or not it was sexual. Then he felt weird about feeling weird about it. Ronan was his boyfriend, why shouldn’t Adam want to do this? It wasn’t strange.

He got more lotion and began moving up his thighs. Gingerly, he let his fingers drift between them, stopping at a small noise of protest from Ronan and apologizing before moving on. He got more gentle, the closer he got to his butt. “Do you want me to skip over?” he asked, trying not to sound nervous.

Ronan turned his head slightly to look back at him, craning his neck. He turned back and rested his head where it was a moment ago. “You can touch if you want. Just… Over my underwear? Sorry.”

“No need to be sorry, love,” Adam said gently, thumbs brushing the base of his ass. Ronan seemed to relax into his touch, his tense shoulders lowering. Adam moved his hands up to properly squeeze his cheeks, already knowing what he felt like—he’d done this much, they had both groped each other’s asses through jeans while making out. This felt different, though; less sexual, more intimate. Adam wasn’t worried about being sexual. He liked being intimate just fine.

Ronan arched his back, pushing his hips into Adam’s hands. The arc of the small of his back, the line of his spine, up to his shoulders was mesmerizing. Adam felt that it would be excessive to lick him. And then he regretted thinking about licking him, because now all his wanted to do was run his tongue along Ronan’s skin, kiss his way up to his neck, and leave hickeys for everyone to see.

He forced himself to move on, hands over his hips and moving to his waist. He used his knuckles to dig into muscles tight from farm work and stress, working up his back. He rested his hands around Ronan’s ribcage and kissed down his spine, feeling his breathing pick up as he neared the base of his spine, as he kissed the dimples near the waistband of his boxers.

“Adam,” he breathed, his grip tightening on the pillow.

“Hm?” he lifted his head and dragged his nails down the sides of his back, watching him squirm but stopping when he turned completely.

“That tickles, you fucking bag of dicks!” Ronan laughed, using his knees to fend him off.

Adam backed away and held his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, sorry!” he said with a grin. “I’m not done though.”

Ronan’s smile didn’t vanish completely. He leaned in to kiss his neck and whispered, “I didn’t mind the nails.” He lowered back onto his front and got settled again.

“Can I sit across your back?”

Ronan took a moment. “Yes,” he decided, “go ahead.”

Adam swung a leg over the expanse of Ronan’s back so he was straddling him, his butt hovering over Ronan’s. He didn’t seem to mind, so he sat his full weight down, hearing Ronan hum in agreement. Starting at his neck, he ran his nails down to the middle of his back, watching his skin get lighter before turning a dark pink with blood in the wake of him. Ronan sighed again, letting himself enjoy this, letting himself have this.

Adam warmed more lotion and moved to Ronan’s shoulders, massaging them, using his leverage to press his palm into the knotted muscles. He finished rubbing in the lotion, continuing only with gentle touches and feather-light brushes of lips over skin. He kissed around his neck, relishing in the feeling of Ronan shivering beneath him.

“Mm, Adam,” he mumbled, turning his head back to kiss him. Adam moved so he could twist his body so he was laying on his back again, Adam laying over him, kissing him deeper. Ronan rolled them so they were both on their sides. “That was amazing.”

“Did you really like it?” Adam asked, his voice hopeful.

Ronan smiled a little. “I did, a lot. You’re fantastic.” He leaned forward and kissed Adam again, arms going around his neck loosely, letting his muscles feel like pudding while the rest of his body was on fire. Everywhere Adam touched, he had struck a match, and Ronan was extremely flammable.

They lay comfortably together for quite some time, the sun still taking its time with the last stretch of its rise as they heard the telltale crunch of gravel outside that told them there was a car pulling in.

“I think they’re dropping off Opal,” Adam mumbled into Ronan’s shoulder.

“Fuck, I thought I was having a good day,” Ronan muttered in return, getting up anyway and pulling on his clothes. Adam followed suit, trailing behind him as Blue wrestled a flailing Opal back into the house.

“C’mere, runt,” Ronan said, scooping her up. She calmed down a bit at the prospect of Ronan being there, but she still wailed on about how she wanted to see Gwen.

“You’ll see Gwen again soon,” Ronan promised, bringing her into the kitchen while Adam entertained.

“Well, it looks like you had fun,” Blue nudged him, glancing up at his rat’s nest of hair.

“Not what you think,” he shook his head, knowing she wouldn’t think it was just from the way he was laying.

“Whatever. She’s mad at me and Calla is waiting as my escape vehicle in the driveway, so I’m gonna get out of here. See ya,” she said, leaning up and kissing his cheek swiftly before jogging back out to the car. Adam closed the door behind her.

**Author's Note:**

> okay was it sufficiently cute???? i think it was
> 
> also I'm working on a longer, chaptered (gasp) pynch fic about adam actually going to college and i'll start posting it soon i guess???? sub to me if you're interested?????


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